We've never met, but can you help me?

Hi, I'm Grace ~ we've never met....I can't really talk to you but I need to know if you can help me.  This is what I was thinking to myself as I sat on the hard wooden bench outside the office of the therapist I had picked from the preferred provider list my insurance company posted online.  I knew I need help, but I didn’t know how I was going to get that help when I wasn’t willing to talk to a stranger.  Really, she was a stranger, just someone whose name I picked from a list. 

Hi, I'm Grace ~ I am married with 2 children, 1 boy, 1 girl ~ in that order.  I'm a dog person...I like cats but the hus is allergic.  My favorite color is pink and I am a taurus (which should alert you to my tendency toward stubbornness).  I prefer down pillows and lots of 'em!  I am intelligent and creative...and very independent.  I tend to be overprotective of my children - my son calls it my 'worry meter', but they mean everything to me and I want to protect them from everything that could hurt them.  I love to sing, out loud, especially in the car.  I have never been out of the United States but would love to go to Greece someday.  I love the musical Phantom of the Opera and have seen it live... I hate onions and hominy and pretty much all meat - and right now my favorite food is cheese quesadillas.  Every night I sing "Baby Mine" to my daughter when I tuck her into bed.  I have a past, everyone does, right?  But I don't talk about anything that happened before college, and not much until age 23.

I've been in therapy before - many times before.  But I have this incredibly hard exterior that has never been penetrated by a 'professional'.  Not one.  Some therapists have told me I have a lot of anger...depression - in college - one therapist told me after 3 sessions that I was fine and she didn't even know why I was there ~ and that was after I told her I had seriously considered killing myself in the shower with a razor...I was 19.

I don't know why I'm here today.  Well, I do, but I can't talk about it.

I have major trust issues ~ I'm hypervigilent and always on guard and I will search for reasons not to trust you.  If you hurt me I will pull away from you and I won't let you back in.  I would like to ask you if you can help me, that's why I called but because I cannot trust you I can't really tell you anything right now...but I really need to know if you can help me...because if I can't find someone to help me I don't know what will happen to me but I do know that I can't do this alone anymore.

But I can't tell you that.  Because I don't know you…I don’t know you and I don't trust you.  So I will not let you see the weak and frightened Grace.  I cannot take the lid off of the box that contains the first 14 years of my life because it will all spill out and I am afraid I won't be able to put it back in...and it is scary, and ugly, and shameful, and bad.  It's very bad.  And I can't talk about it.  But it’s overwhelming me now and I need to talk about it, but I can’t.

I really need to know if you can help me...my thoughts were interrupted when she opened her office door.